Breaking.

So I've been in the process of breaking the last two weeks or so. I have not a real clear idea why, but however such things happen. I'm definitely making a counseling appointment on Monday....

lol great.



Soooo..................

Fucked?



Justin... I'm srating to like him. Miss him. All those good things. But a very large part of me wants to just scream at all boys and tell them to go away. I prefer girls right now! I need a break, a mental, emotional, physical break, from boys. They complicate my live. But then I'm like AH what if this boy is the right boy. What if this boy helps you. What if this boy makes your life better/different/fun/good/exciting, etc. Plus, I'm horrible at ending things with boys cause I hate doing that.



So while this breaking has been occurring for awhile it like all died yesterday. And I'm also freaking out about the future, career-wise and such. Like do I really want to do this. And yes I do but I think I'm just really really scared. But I don't know. I've been VERY moody lately. haha you girls are lucky you aren't here.



Sorry, continuing. So Justin keeps wanting to hang out - great, fine, beautiful - but I've cancelled a bunch of times because he wants to hang out like every day it feels like and you know I don't really go for that especially when I'm in a mood. But tonight he got frustrated with it. I want him to listen to "She" so badly!! And he like shut down on me. So then after the show he was better, but he asked me if I was two-timing him... and I was confused. And I thought about it and said no. And then we had like a fifteen minute conversation about it. And I can't even tell you what was decided. He was like "I don't care if you hook up with other guys. Ijust feel like there's another guy in the wings. I want to see if there is something here, but I don't know if you want to or what you're thinking. And I want to become closer friends. I really want that girl to talk to. That's special. (And when I tried to explain that I am a horrible girlfriend or ever just when I like someone he was like well I like being told what to do to a certain extent) And then he said I'm sorry that you're starting to like me cause I'm so fucked up right now. And I feel like he could be a very scary or very good mix of Mitch, Tommy, and Jason.



So basically I know nothing.



And to top it off I kissed a guy tonight. A sarcastic, fun, sweet guy ... who really can't kiss. Great. AND he was telling the girls I was with how I was just so beautiful and I looked so cute (in my stage makeup and thirties hair) and how I was so weet and deserved to be treated right. So he's either a really good guy or a really smart guy knowing that they'd tell me. AND I'm not telling Justin because that would just create drama and unnecessary drama since we are not officially together. And I did miss him tonight. I thought about him and Pete and Kahlil tonight.



AND making life worse of course... Peter texted me yesterday. Seeing if I was going to this party. Which I went to and saw him at. And it wasn't horrible... but my stomach still dropped. And he lookes like a horse!!! But he has some crazy, ridiculous hold on me. Though we didn't really talk. And as I was leaving... he calls out "Ali... are you leaving?" "Yeah" "We should hang out soon (or something like that" "Really?" "yeah "Well, call me." And I walked away... so proud of myself! Got in the car and died...



So stupidly I texted him tonight. Just saying it was nice to see him. I know this is a horribly long entry however next comes highlights of the convo:

Him: "Yeah last night was fun a shame you couldn't stay. I hope I didn't make too much of a fool of myself."
"it would have been much better if you stayed, but you wanted to ditch me so its cool"
and then i told him i didnt believe he was actually being sweet
"haha fair enough i guess ill just have to wait till next time to prove it to you. that is if you stay for longer than 5 minutes"
and then i was being mean for awhile
"true character coming out right now lol i should have known better. if you ever want to hang out i cant be constantly attacked like this."
"hey im going to ved now. as much as i love talking to you i need some rest after last night haha. see you tomorrow?"
okay there was an original text which went something like "if you had stayed i wouldnt have slept night" but michelle deleted it by accident so i said that i deleted it by accident
"i was just saying how its probably a good thing you left last night otherwise i would have been more tired today"
and then i was mean again
"love you too ali. i see how it is."
and i said you better love me thats all im saying
"oh trust me you dont have to tell me twice. just make sure you stay next time instead of leaving me to those random girls"
ending...
"haha you are obviously better than them. its not much of a comparison. but thank you for letting me sleep. you are so kind. and seriously good luck tomorrow. please dont mess up because then ill feel slightly responsible."
and then i told him to remind me to tell him a story aout my wig and have a good night.
"haha anytime and sounds like a good story im looking forward to it. sleet tight al."


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So then i calle dKahlil and left a voicemail.but until he contacts me im not talking to him cause i currently feel like im bothering him. however, i feel like kahli and peter are very similar and thats why he means what he means to me.

AND my mother got me the cutest boy's number that i met a couple of years ago. but of course ed had to take credit for being the first one to be friednly to him. lol he was their waiter a wedding. HARDCORE Christian .... but at this point that could be a very good thing. Tall, dark, handsome, sweet, beautiful blue eyse, phenomenal piano player and singer. Apparently seemed interested. Even typed his number in my mom's text to me.









AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I miss you girls so much...
I love you. ADVICE NEEDED PLEASE :-)

5.19.08

Okay so now i'm really pissed. I've reached out to my 'friends' here and they've all been like yeah! i want to see you. Okay...

So I know that they had a party last week that no one told me about. Fine. I had just gotten home.

But I've reached out Multiple times since and they'll all respond like years later but positively respond. WELL they're all together getting drunk tonight at one of their houses AND i texted two of them today and got like a okay response from one and none from the other.

I'm sorry... I'm pissed and confused. Do they think I don't want to be around alcohol? HELLO!?! Do they think I haven't gone out at all in NYC??? Which is bullshit too because I know that Gabby knows I'm fine with it. Or if they just don't want to be friends TELL ME. 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Love you girls.

5.18.08

Okay really girls you need to be here. Please. Now. K cool.

I'm not a good person. I'm not a bad person. But I'm not good lol. So explanation - I texted Eric something from Wild Party (Kate's line "Won't you tell me Burrs after seven years why we've never been into the sack before?) And so while we both agreed we won't ever get close to ruining his life he should come out with us. What better way to annoy Jason right? Well annoy him I did. Even though everyone at our end of the table knew that Eric was engaged lol. So fun evening... and Spence was there and everyone had left except the three of us. We were just hanging out and I guess I was hitting on him... I definitely wasn't not hitting on him. But he kissed me at the bar. That was fun. It could make the summer interesting. But so much for my not having a guy around. UGH. I did mean it. I still kinda do. At least I really truly feel the sentiment behind it. Who knows...

And I asked Nick Miller why he was broken... and he said he just needed some girl's loving. And is bad that I don't want to be that for him but that I really do understand?

And guess who texted me today?! Dan. Ya know, non theater Pace boy from the party? I was impressed. AND go figure him and his friends usually come rent a house literally 15 minutes from me in the summer. Um, okay. Crazy coincidence. 

And I made Justin mad through miscommunication.

I think that's it. Except I still miss you girls. And I hate my parents for not really getting it. Or I think they get it and are frustrated because they don't know how to help. 

And Deej this whole separate worlds thing sucks... friends at home and friends at school are so different and it is very Penelope like. I don't get how we're supposed to deal with that.

OH DANICAH GUESS WHO WAS SPENCER'S ROOMMATE THIS SEMESTER?!?!? ONE GUESS. :-)

Alionka I just miss you and our room.

5.17.08

Okay, so I created this new one because I realized that the girls here just wouldn't get it. It's sad, but true. And Sara would... but I know she'll tell Ev. So this blog is currently just for you girls. That being said.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I want to be home. As in the city. With you. NOW.

Too many revelations from being here already and not really any of them good.

So two nights ago I realized that I need to be okay without a boy. Not just kinda okay. Really okay. I can't need one or want one - I need to be fine on my own. And you can kick my ass but that makes being home a little bit of  a problem. Randomly yesterday Eric texted me saying he was in the poconos and what was I up to... okay... so we hung out today. And he made comments, sexual comments, but since I've come to expect those - especially from him - it was okay. Plus, who doesn't like to get called smoking hot with a banging body? However, when he wanted me to drive to his place with him inner battle waged but I went - that was hard to explain to my mom - but I did and she got all disappointed mother on me. Not fun. AHH (extend this out at long as you can hold it) We went to his place and we actually ended up just playing on the computer and singing wild party... not the best choice of shows but okay fine. Fun. Then as we were leaving something similar to last fall happened. He wanted to see my bra and unfortunately I have no problem with modesty so I was like whatever he's an ass I'll torture him. So I did. And that's all I did. And he literally had to go jerk off before we left. I was like - really. And the other thing. I've decided I'm a penis elitest! I don't like small penises. At all. They do nothing for me. In fact - they make me angry. Interesting, right? Though sexual tension kinda needs to disappear from my life.

So then of course my mom is talking up Justin. And he is a great guy. I know that. But I need more than that. Right, Al, I need no guy. (This is going to take awhile lol) Yes, he's a great guy. But I don't miss him. I haven't missed him this year. I don't yearn to see him. I don't want to talk to him. And that's sad. And he deserves better. But he wants to hang out? So what do I do? And Chad called today wanting to hang out and I was like, really? Ugh. He's the one that's been calling for months and I keep not answering my phone but he doesn't get it. 

So, true confessions - I called Kahlil Wednesday night. I just told him that he had a look-alike in my town, but that it wasn't the same. And that I missed him and he better understand that he hasn't seen the last of me before he leaves. And he imed me tonight and just AH. Okay so more true confessions - do I just want to make him the answer to my problems? I know he's basically everything I want in a guy but obviously, blatanly wrong timing. So am I missing him because I don't want to deal with the rest of them? I don't think it's as simple as that because there is something there. And then if I stop and think, I know I'm not over Tommy. Like really not over him. And not sure how to get over him? At all. Which is a very new feeling. And not sure I want to force getting over him like I've done all the times in my past. 

So some conclusions - wrong though they may be - I want to be with Tommy or Kahlil, but not now. Tommy may never be ready - but I don't think the possibility of him will ever be gone from my head because as fucked as our ending was our time together was exactly what I want from a relationship. And same with Kahlil - I have a feeling, one of those gut ones, that we'd be really good together - if the timing was ever right. GREAT. THIS IS NOT HELPFUL. I still don't want the nice guy. I want the asshole who has a heart of gold and can treat me right (or at least really try to in Tommy's case to the best of his ability). I don't miss the nice guy. He does nothing for me. Now, is this really the problem? Or is this okay if I just fall in love more slowly? And wisely? With eyes open? Help.

And on the friends front - literally I have not seen any of them except for Sara. Lexi and I have talked. But they had a party - and didn't invite me? And I've reached out to them and will again but I just feel really weird about it all. I can't wait to start working just so I have something to do even though I will totally be complaining about it in a couple of weeks. And I'm doing Cabaret. We'll see how that goes though it's cool that Spence is in it.

I love you girls. I miss you more than you know...