Okay, so I created this new one because I realized that the girls here just wouldn't get it. It's sad, but true. And Sara would... but I know she'll tell Ev. So this blog is currently just for you girls. That being said.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I want to be home. As in the city. With you. NOW.
Too many revelations from being here already and not really any of them good.
So two nights ago I realized that I need to be okay without a boy. Not just kinda okay. Really okay. I can't need one or want one - I need to be fine on my own. And you can kick my ass but that makes being home a little bit of a problem. Randomly yesterday Eric texted me saying he was in the poconos and what was I up to... okay... so we hung out today. And he made comments, sexual comments, but since I've come to expect those - especially from him - it was okay. Plus, who doesn't like to get called smoking hot with a banging body? However, when he wanted me to drive to his place with him inner battle waged but I went - that was hard to explain to my mom - but I did and she got all disappointed mother on me. Not fun. AHH (extend this out at long as you can hold it) We went to his place and we actually ended up just playing on the computer and singing wild party... not the best choice of shows but okay fine. Fun. Then as we were leaving something similar to last fall happened. He wanted to see my bra and unfortunately I have no problem with modesty so I was like whatever he's an ass I'll torture him. So I did. And that's all I did. And he literally had to go jerk off before we left. I was like - really. And the other thing. I've decided I'm a penis elitest! I don't like small penises. At all. They do nothing for me. In fact - they make me angry. Interesting, right? Though sexual tension kinda needs to disappear from my life.
So then of course my mom is talking up Justin. And he is a great guy. I know that. But I need more than that. Right, Al, I need no guy. (This is going to take awhile lol) Yes, he's a great guy. But I don't miss him. I haven't missed him this year. I don't yearn to see him. I don't want to talk to him. And that's sad. And he deserves better. But he wants to hang out? So what do I do? And Chad called today wanting to hang out and I was like, really? Ugh. He's the one that's been calling for months and I keep not answering my phone but he doesn't get it.
So, true confessions - I called Kahlil Wednesday night. I just told him that he had a look-alike in my town, but that it wasn't the same. And that I missed him and he better understand that he hasn't seen the last of me before he leaves. And he imed me tonight and just AH. Okay so more true confessions - do I just want to make him the answer to my problems? I know he's basically everything I want in a guy but obviously, blatanly wrong timing. So am I missing him because I don't want to deal with the rest of them? I don't think it's as simple as that because there is something there. And then if I stop and think, I know I'm not over Tommy. Like really not over him. And not sure how to get over him? At all. Which is a very new feeling. And not sure I want to force getting over him like I've done all the times in my past.
So some conclusions - wrong though they may be - I want to be with Tommy or Kahlil, but not now. Tommy may never be ready - but I don't think the possibility of him will ever be gone from my head because as fucked as our ending was our time together was exactly what I want from a relationship. And same with Kahlil - I have a feeling, one of those gut ones, that we'd be really good together - if the timing was ever right. GREAT. THIS IS NOT HELPFUL. I still don't want the nice guy. I want the asshole who has a heart of gold and can treat me right (or at least really try to in Tommy's case to the best of his ability). I don't miss the nice guy. He does nothing for me. Now, is this really the problem? Or is this okay if I just fall in love more slowly? And wisely? With eyes open? Help.
And on the friends front - literally I have not seen any of them except for Sara. Lexi and I have talked. But they had a party - and didn't invite me? And I've reached out to them and will again but I just feel really weird about it all. I can't wait to start working just so I have something to do even though I will totally be complaining about it in a couple of weeks. And I'm doing Cabaret. We'll see how that goes though it's cool that Spence is in it.
I love you girls. I miss you more than you know...
