AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I want to be home. As in the city. With you. NOW.
Too many revelations from being here already and not really any of them good.
So two nights ago I realized that I need to be okay without a boy. Not just kinda okay. Really okay. I can't need one or want one - I need to be fine on my own. And you can kick my ass but that makes being home a little bit of a problem. Randomly yesterday Eric texted me saying he was in the poconos and what was I up to... okay... so we hung out today. And he made comments, sexual comments, but since I've come to expect those - especially from him - it was okay. Plus, who doesn't like to get called smoking hot with a banging body? However, when he wanted me to drive to his place with him inner battle waged but I went - that was hard to explain to my mom - but I did and she got all disappointed mother on me. Not fun. AHH (extend this out at long as you can hold it) We went to his place and we actually ended up just playing on the computer and singing wild party... not the best choice of shows but okay fine. Fun. Then as we were leaving something similar to last fall happened. He wanted to see my bra and unfortunately I have no problem with modesty so I was like whatever he's an ass I'll torture him. So I did. And that's all I did. And he literally had to go jerk off before we left. I was like - really. And the other thing. I've decided I'm a penis elitest! I don't like small penises. At all. They do nothing for me. In fact - they make me angry. Interesting, right? Though sexual tension kinda needs to disappear from my life.
So then of course my mom is talking up Justin. And he is a great guy. I know that. But I need more than that. Right, Al, I need no guy. (This is going to take awhile lol) Yes, he's a great guy. But I don't miss him. I haven't missed him this year. I don't yearn to see him. I don't want to talk to him. And that's sad. And he deserves better. But he wants to hang out? So what do I do? And Chad called today wanting to hang out and I was like, really? Ugh. He's the one that's been calling for months and I keep not answering my phone but he doesn't get it.
So, true confessions - I called Kahlil Wednesday night. I just told him that he had a look-alike in my town, but that it wasn't the same. And that I missed him and he better understand that he hasn't seen the last of me before he leaves. And he imed me tonight and just AH. Okay so more true confessions - do I just want to make him the answer to my problems? I know he's basically everything I want in a guy but obviously, blatanly wrong timing. So am I missing him because I don't want to deal with the rest of them? I don't think it's as simple as that because there is something there. And then if I stop and think, I know I'm not over Tommy. Like really not over him. And not sure how to get over him? At all. Which is a very new feeling. And not sure I want to force getting over him like I've done all the times in my past.
So some conclusions - wrong though they may be - I want to be with Tommy or Kahlil, but not now. Tommy may never be ready - but I don't think the possibility of him will ever be gone from my head because as fucked as our ending was our time together was exactly what I want from a relationship. And same with Kahlil - I have a feeling, one of those gut ones, that we'd be really good together - if the timing was ever right. GREAT. THIS IS NOT HELPFUL. I still don't want the nice guy. I want the asshole who has a heart of gold and can treat me right (or at least really try to in Tommy's case to the best of his ability). I don't miss the nice guy. He does nothing for me. Now, is this really the problem? Or is this okay if I just fall in love more slowly? And wisely? With eyes open? Help.
And on the friends front - literally I have not seen any of them except for Sara. Lexi and I have talked. But they had a party - and didn't invite me? And I've reached out to them and will again but I just feel really weird about it all. I can't wait to start working just so I have something to do even though I will totally be complaining about it in a couple of weeks. And I'm doing Cabaret. We'll see how that goes though it's cool that Spence is in it.
I love you girls. I miss you more than you know...
1 comment:
Oh goodness Ali. I went through a huge array of emotions as I read this blond. Hah! Blond. I meant blog, but I wrote blond without it's classier "e" at the end. Oh, lolz.
Anyway, I miss you guys as well! So, SO much. I mean, I love my group of friends here, but I hung out with them the other day, and with a few of them I felt awkward. I felt like I wanted to tell them all of the amazing things that have happened to me and all of the amazing people who I can now, officially, after two whole semesters, call My Friends. But every time I started to talk about something or someone, I made a mental Penelope note...because who wants to here about people they don't really know? Then whenever I did get some words out about you guys, I felt like I was being really bitchy about it, and that people were thinking that I like my newtalentedpacetheatrecityfriends and my new pacetheatrecitylife better than I like them...and that just made me feel awkward...and not the funny kind. Also, when they ask me what my plans are for the summer, I told them Charlie Brown, and then I paused, because I wasn't sure if it would be snotty or not to mention the potential off-bway show with Grant..but I did anyway. And I didn't get very enthusiastic responses, which kind of surprised me. Ian, Tasha, Dawn, and Lauren were all thrilled, but everyone else who was there was like "..ok," and then Peter said, "Your professor gets you the weirdest jobs." And I didn't get it. So I just smiled and went "Haha. Yea." Hrmph.
Hey, that was a miniblog on its own. Oops. The point of that was that I miss you. Mmmhmm.
Secondly (even though I don't think I prefaced my first novel with a "firstly"), "OH, ALI."
Unfortunately, when I asked this place to let me comment, it took me to a whole new page and got rid of your blog, so I can't look back to it, and I know I'm going to miss something important that I wanted to comment on. Ugh Ugh.
Eric - ahem, AREN'T YOU MARRIED YET?
But I love, love, love that he had to go jerk off. And I love, love, love that you don't like littleones. That is one word, by the way. And I think it's completely ok that you don't like them. If guys are allowed to like certain sized boobs, then you're completely allowed to like certain sized peepees.
About Kahlil: It blows how off your timing is, because I do think you'd be able to work well together. And while Kahlil can act like a four-year-old, he is more mature than Tommy when it comes to girls...though the only thing I'd be nervous about is how similar he'd be to Mitchell, just judging off of what Sheri said back in the day. But, hey, people do change.
YES YES I AGREE THAT YOU NEED TO BE COMPLETE AND HAPPY AND HAPPY WITH YOURSELF WITHOUT A GUY OF ANY SORT I AGREE SO MUCH THAT I COULDNT EVEN BOTHER TO USE PUNCTUATION
I think you're an excellent human being, and I highly doubt I am speaking only for myself when I say that...but you are a boy-girl. If that made. Sense. Hrm. You like boys and you like being with them and getting their attentions, and you did say that you can't be just friends with them, there's always something underlying. People might see that and think that you NEED a boy in your life to give you confidence and to fulfill you completely -- regardless of whether it's true or not. I know I've said it before, but Summer Project #1 for Alexandra Dickison is to learn how to be friends with boys, and if you don't, y'know, like-like Spencer, I think that he'll be a good place to start. You'll be seeing him a lot because of Cabaret, and you'll be able to start recognizing the boundaries and leisures of friendship with boys.
Oh noez. I don't remember what else I wanted to say. And I'm so effing hungry. =) I love and miss you guys!!!
Playdates soon. Thank youuuu!!
Post a Comment