Breaking.

So I've been in the process of breaking the last two weeks or so. I have not a real clear idea why, but however such things happen. I'm definitely making a counseling appointment on Monday....

lol great.



Soooo..................

Fucked?



Justin... I'm srating to like him. Miss him. All those good things. But a very large part of me wants to just scream at all boys and tell them to go away. I prefer girls right now! I need a break, a mental, emotional, physical break, from boys. They complicate my live. But then I'm like AH what if this boy is the right boy. What if this boy helps you. What if this boy makes your life better/different/fun/good/exciting, etc. Plus, I'm horrible at ending things with boys cause I hate doing that.



So while this breaking has been occurring for awhile it like all died yesterday. And I'm also freaking out about the future, career-wise and such. Like do I really want to do this. And yes I do but I think I'm just really really scared. But I don't know. I've been VERY moody lately. haha you girls are lucky you aren't here.



Sorry, continuing. So Justin keeps wanting to hang out - great, fine, beautiful - but I've cancelled a bunch of times because he wants to hang out like every day it feels like and you know I don't really go for that especially when I'm in a mood. But tonight he got frustrated with it. I want him to listen to "She" so badly!! And he like shut down on me. So then after the show he was better, but he asked me if I was two-timing him... and I was confused. And I thought about it and said no. And then we had like a fifteen minute conversation about it. And I can't even tell you what was decided. He was like "I don't care if you hook up with other guys. Ijust feel like there's another guy in the wings. I want to see if there is something here, but I don't know if you want to or what you're thinking. And I want to become closer friends. I really want that girl to talk to. That's special. (And when I tried to explain that I am a horrible girlfriend or ever just when I like someone he was like well I like being told what to do to a certain extent) And then he said I'm sorry that you're starting to like me cause I'm so fucked up right now. And I feel like he could be a very scary or very good mix of Mitch, Tommy, and Jason.



So basically I know nothing.



And to top it off I kissed a guy tonight. A sarcastic, fun, sweet guy ... who really can't kiss. Great. AND he was telling the girls I was with how I was just so beautiful and I looked so cute (in my stage makeup and thirties hair) and how I was so weet and deserved to be treated right. So he's either a really good guy or a really smart guy knowing that they'd tell me. AND I'm not telling Justin because that would just create drama and unnecessary drama since we are not officially together. And I did miss him tonight. I thought about him and Pete and Kahlil tonight.



AND making life worse of course... Peter texted me yesterday. Seeing if I was going to this party. Which I went to and saw him at. And it wasn't horrible... but my stomach still dropped. And he lookes like a horse!!! But he has some crazy, ridiculous hold on me. Though we didn't really talk. And as I was leaving... he calls out "Ali... are you leaving?" "Yeah" "We should hang out soon (or something like that" "Really?" "yeah "Well, call me." And I walked away... so proud of myself! Got in the car and died...



So stupidly I texted him tonight. Just saying it was nice to see him. I know this is a horribly long entry however next comes highlights of the convo:

Him: "Yeah last night was fun a shame you couldn't stay. I hope I didn't make too much of a fool of myself."
"it would have been much better if you stayed, but you wanted to ditch me so its cool"
and then i told him i didnt believe he was actually being sweet
"haha fair enough i guess ill just have to wait till next time to prove it to you. that is if you stay for longer than 5 minutes"
and then i was being mean for awhile
"true character coming out right now lol i should have known better. if you ever want to hang out i cant be constantly attacked like this."
"hey im going to ved now. as much as i love talking to you i need some rest after last night haha. see you tomorrow?"
okay there was an original text which went something like "if you had stayed i wouldnt have slept night" but michelle deleted it by accident so i said that i deleted it by accident
"i was just saying how its probably a good thing you left last night otherwise i would have been more tired today"
and then i was mean again
"love you too ali. i see how it is."
and i said you better love me thats all im saying
"oh trust me you dont have to tell me twice. just make sure you stay next time instead of leaving me to those random girls"
ending...
"haha you are obviously better than them. its not much of a comparison. but thank you for letting me sleep. you are so kind. and seriously good luck tomorrow. please dont mess up because then ill feel slightly responsible."
and then i told him to remind me to tell him a story aout my wig and have a good night.
"haha anytime and sounds like a good story im looking forward to it. sleet tight al."


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So then i calle dKahlil and left a voicemail.but until he contacts me im not talking to him cause i currently feel like im bothering him. however, i feel like kahli and peter are very similar and thats why he means what he means to me.

AND my mother got me the cutest boy's number that i met a couple of years ago. but of course ed had to take credit for being the first one to be friednly to him. lol he was their waiter a wedding. HARDCORE Christian .... but at this point that could be a very good thing. Tall, dark, handsome, sweet, beautiful blue eyse, phenomenal piano player and singer. Apparently seemed interested. Even typed his number in my mom's text to me.









AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I miss you girls so much...
I love you. ADVICE NEEDED PLEASE :-)